Weirdness is....

....watching your children live without you.
....eating as a family for a father and mother's week-apart birthdays when your family is broken.
....realizing you totally just ate a year-old, horrible-tasting banana split dum-dum bc you are starving for something sweet on this shitty cabbage soup diet.
....figuring out that you can live without personal possessions; ie: a nativity set
....wanting to throw up bc of a situation you cannot change
....having a size 4 shoe. at 2 days shy of 34.
....sleeping on the couch (which is really a love seat)
....reading your 14-yr-old's library book. don't hate.
....wondering where the next year in your life will take you - when you know that life will never be the same. tho there is a whole new world out there. waiting to be discovered.

and the biggest
....not getting the goodnight texts that you have become accustomed to getting :(

i love quotes...

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” ~ Andre Gide

I'm feeling blah. My baby girl has a birthday this week. I will most likely not get to see her that day. I dislike this. Also a major damn *dislike*: the holidays are near. uuuggghhh!!!

I have been told that I can have a new beginning. Tryin to keep that in mind. Some days I feel like I'm living my new beginning :). Some days I feel like I can't possibly have a new beginning until I get away from this town :(.

I know I have taken the biggest step in making my life happier. Draggin my feet to get up the next rung on the ladder. I am hoping that once the big "D" is final I'll be able to reach down and pull my broken legs up...

Looking Back....

...i have cried re-reading those 5 posts. I know why I left.

I only stayed gone one night. Then left for good March 16. He filed for divorce a week before our 14th anniversary. I left the kids with him because my run-to family is far away. I didn't want to remove them from the comfort of home. And didn't want to seperate ours from his. I still worked in the same God-awful town. Still attended games. Finally got a rental in the town I am destined to die in... hahahaha (but seriously)

There are ups and downs now. I miss my kids terribly. I feel so disconnected and removed from them sometimes. It is a mess. I no longer take meds unless I feel I need them and I quit counseling. The soon-to-be-ex goes Jekel n Hyde on me often. I deactivated facebook again awhile back. DRAMA.

I have a few good people in my life and that helps. Though all of them are human. The one that sticks her fn nose in thinkin she's helping. Doesn't understand that I'm just venting. Keep your mouth shut...don't go run and start MORE bullshark for me. Please. And the one who is a huge slut and only wants to talk when she's whining about noone loving her. Quit bein a damn tramp!! And then there's him...he fills my heart with laughter. We click on ALL levels (wow. just.wow.) I know that I have a little piece of him, but I know he's never gonna be all mine. Ever. There is no "special" with him as far as I can tell. He loves all the women in his life equally...and there are many. I won't play second fiddle. Been there, done that. I can't compete. Christ, do I love him for so many wonderful reasons.... There are others and all care about my well-being. They all help me see that noone is perfect. There are only perfect moments.

Over-all, I know that all of these things I am dealing with should just prove to me that I am alive. I still have days that I could run away and leave it all behind. Will that ever change? I do pray for happiness to touch the hearts of the people I love. Is it gonna land in mine? Time will tell.

Until then: I want it with whipped cream on it (better gimme, gimme, gimme your looove) =)

I did it

left last night after a huge blow up.

He logged in to my Facebook acct, reactivating it - unbeknownst to him....I knew he did it bcuz I started getting FB texts again.

No trust. Didn't last a week.

Can't blv I did it. Didn't even cry much. No vomiting. Nothin. Weird, huh??

NOW WHAT???

Help the unhelp-able?

Is there any hope for me? I can't be helped I don't think....

I had the perfect out when he asked "Do you wana be here?" I didn't answer. Why could my piehole not spit out two little stinkin letters??????

I think I need to have a massive break down. I have considered checking myself into a facility. Or holding a pillow over his head....

JUST KIDDING. Geeze. Take it easy.

I need to stop all the crazy. End. It. SOON. My friend asked why I am holding on. My honest answer is that I am tryin to build up the courage to ruin his life. I hate hurting people. I would much rather be the one hurting. But that needs to change. *I* need to be number 1.

If I want cheese pizza, damn it, I'm eatin cheese pizza. Screw u!

ugh.....

Happiness...

....is not in our circumstances, but in ourselves.
It is not something we see, like a rainbow, or feel, like the heat of a fire.
Happiness is something we are.

John B Sheerin

Fall back

into the same old habits, jerkoff, and it'll be easier for me to say "buh-bye".

I deleted the FB acct on Tues. morning and Wed. night it was "did you buy another coat?" and "how much did you spend??" Then he decided we needed only one curtain on the single windows instead of two (take the other two back..) Is he gay? Seriously. What man really cares what the house looks like? (that is not a dig on gay men! just sayin..)

Thurs. morning got yelled at up the stairs. Then got barked at about cc slips. Thurs. evening fought about which vehicle I took to work on Monday and put gas in. Yes. For. Real. I held my ground. Proud of myself. So of course, 15 mins pass and he's tryin to kiss me.... ugh. FML...

My therapist yesterday told me she thinks maybe I am grieving the loss of my marriage. I told her about the mental struggle that I have when I don't like what is happening. One side of my brain is saying: "This is stupid to fight about. Let it go. Don't say anything cuz it'll be a problem" The other side is saying: "Tell him to FUCK OFF! You're not putting up with this shit anymore! Quit bending!"

I hate that he is waking me up EVERY day by rubbing my back. I used to beg him to rub my back and neck and he wouldn't. So now he's gonna make up for it by doing it every f'n day???? ICK. and he doesn't really need to caress my ass cheek in the process either. DOUBLE ICK!! I feel awful for allowing him to kiss me. He knows that i'm not feelin it. I am ready for him to quit tryin now. *I* am ready to quit tryin. I feel like I should quit wearing my ring and quit sleepin in our bed. but it'll hurt him.

He's been hurting me for a long time....

Here.I.Am.

the one that you love....

ummm. not so much. that song just popped in there. that's soooo me. it's how i roll....

so i need a place to journal. and vent. and i have no f'n privacy. AT. ALL. my husband is a control-freak-psycho. i closed my facebook because of him. i cannot keep a journal at home OR WORK because of him. yeah, he goes thru my shiz at home and works next door to my office -- his employer is landlord of my office and conveniently he has a key to my office. NICE, huh??

i will apologize now for the ramblings you may read here. i am on medication. i do not like taking them. i am also seeing a counselor. i have trouble sleeping.

i am in my early thirties. i have children. i am currently working on getting out of my marriage. I want a divorce. Wow. I have never typed, written, or said that. i have not been able to be myself for almost 14 years. it is not his fault. it is mine. *I* am to blame. that is why *I* must right the situation.

and there is no "RIGHT" as far as i can tell..... i want to be happy. i want to feel whole. i want to be home. it is not where i am.