Looking Back....

...i have cried re-reading those 5 posts. I know why I left.

I only stayed gone one night. Then left for good March 16. He filed for divorce a week before our 14th anniversary. I left the kids with him because my run-to family is far away. I didn't want to remove them from the comfort of home. And didn't want to seperate ours from his. I still worked in the same God-awful town. Still attended games. Finally got a rental in the town I am destined to die in... hahahaha (but seriously)

There are ups and downs now. I miss my kids terribly. I feel so disconnected and removed from them sometimes. It is a mess. I no longer take meds unless I feel I need them and I quit counseling. The soon-to-be-ex goes Jekel n Hyde on me often. I deactivated facebook again awhile back. DRAMA.

I have a few good people in my life and that helps. Though all of them are human. The one that sticks her fn nose in thinkin she's helping. Doesn't understand that I'm just venting. Keep your mouth shut...don't go run and start MORE bullshark for me. Please. And the one who is a huge slut and only wants to talk when she's whining about noone loving her. Quit bein a damn tramp!! And then there's him...he fills my heart with laughter. We click on ALL levels (wow. just.wow.) I know that I have a little piece of him, but I know he's never gonna be all mine. Ever. There is no "special" with him as far as I can tell. He loves all the women in his life equally...and there are many. I won't play second fiddle. Been there, done that. I can't compete. Christ, do I love him for so many wonderful reasons.... There are others and all care about my well-being. They all help me see that noone is perfect. There are only perfect moments.

Over-all, I know that all of these things I am dealing with should just prove to me that I am alive. I still have days that I could run away and leave it all behind. Will that ever change? I do pray for happiness to touch the hearts of the people I love. Is it gonna land in mine? Time will tell.

Until then: I want it with whipped cream on it (better gimme, gimme, gimme your looove) =)