Fall back

into the same old habits, jerkoff, and it'll be easier for me to say "buh-bye".

I deleted the FB acct on Tues. morning and Wed. night it was "did you buy another coat?" and "how much did you spend??" Then he decided we needed only one curtain on the single windows instead of two (take the other two back..) Is he gay? Seriously. What man really cares what the house looks like? (that is not a dig on gay men! just sayin..)

Thurs. morning got yelled at up the stairs. Then got barked at about cc slips. Thurs. evening fought about which vehicle I took to work on Monday and put gas in. Yes. For. Real. I held my ground. Proud of myself. So of course, 15 mins pass and he's tryin to kiss me.... ugh. FML...

My therapist yesterday told me she thinks maybe I am grieving the loss of my marriage. I told her about the mental struggle that I have when I don't like what is happening. One side of my brain is saying: "This is stupid to fight about. Let it go. Don't say anything cuz it'll be a problem" The other side is saying: "Tell him to FUCK OFF! You're not putting up with this shit anymore! Quit bending!"

I hate that he is waking me up EVERY day by rubbing my back. I used to beg him to rub my back and neck and he wouldn't. So now he's gonna make up for it by doing it every f'n day???? ICK. and he doesn't really need to caress my ass cheek in the process either. DOUBLE ICK!! I feel awful for allowing him to kiss me. He knows that i'm not feelin it. I am ready for him to quit tryin now. *I* am ready to quit tryin. I feel like I should quit wearing my ring and quit sleepin in our bed. but it'll hurt him.

He's been hurting me for a long time....