I did it

left last night after a huge blow up.

He logged in to my Facebook acct, reactivating it - unbeknownst to him....I knew he did it bcuz I started getting FB texts again.

No trust. Didn't last a week.

Can't blv I did it. Didn't even cry much. No vomiting. Nothin. Weird, huh??

NOW WHAT???

Help the unhelp-able?

Is there any hope for me? I can't be helped I don't think....

I had the perfect out when he asked "Do you wana be here?" I didn't answer. Why could my piehole not spit out two little stinkin letters??????

I think I need to have a massive break down. I have considered checking myself into a facility. Or holding a pillow over his head....

JUST KIDDING. Geeze. Take it easy.

I need to stop all the crazy. End. It. SOON. My friend asked why I am holding on. My honest answer is that I am tryin to build up the courage to ruin his life. I hate hurting people. I would much rather be the one hurting. But that needs to change. *I* need to be number 1.

If I want cheese pizza, damn it, I'm eatin cheese pizza. Screw u!

ugh.....

Happiness...

....is not in our circumstances, but in ourselves.
It is not something we see, like a rainbow, or feel, like the heat of a fire.
Happiness is something we are.

John B Sheerin

Fall back

into the same old habits, jerkoff, and it'll be easier for me to say "buh-bye".

I deleted the FB acct on Tues. morning and Wed. night it was "did you buy another coat?" and "how much did you spend??" Then he decided we needed only one curtain on the single windows instead of two (take the other two back..) Is he gay? Seriously. What man really cares what the house looks like? (that is not a dig on gay men! just sayin..)

Thurs. morning got yelled at up the stairs. Then got barked at about cc slips. Thurs. evening fought about which vehicle I took to work on Monday and put gas in. Yes. For. Real. I held my ground. Proud of myself. So of course, 15 mins pass and he's tryin to kiss me.... ugh. FML...

My therapist yesterday told me she thinks maybe I am grieving the loss of my marriage. I told her about the mental struggle that I have when I don't like what is happening. One side of my brain is saying: "This is stupid to fight about. Let it go. Don't say anything cuz it'll be a problem" The other side is saying: "Tell him to FUCK OFF! You're not putting up with this shit anymore! Quit bending!"

I hate that he is waking me up EVERY day by rubbing my back. I used to beg him to rub my back and neck and he wouldn't. So now he's gonna make up for it by doing it every f'n day???? ICK. and he doesn't really need to caress my ass cheek in the process either. DOUBLE ICK!! I feel awful for allowing him to kiss me. He knows that i'm not feelin it. I am ready for him to quit tryin now. *I* am ready to quit tryin. I feel like I should quit wearing my ring and quit sleepin in our bed. but it'll hurt him.

He's been hurting me for a long time....

Here.I.Am.

the one that you love....

ummm. not so much. that song just popped in there. that's soooo me. it's how i roll....

so i need a place to journal. and vent. and i have no f'n privacy. AT. ALL. my husband is a control-freak-psycho. i closed my facebook because of him. i cannot keep a journal at home OR WORK because of him. yeah, he goes thru my shiz at home and works next door to my office -- his employer is landlord of my office and conveniently he has a key to my office. NICE, huh??

i will apologize now for the ramblings you may read here. i am on medication. i do not like taking them. i am also seeing a counselor. i have trouble sleeping.

i am in my early thirties. i have children. i am currently working on getting out of my marriage. I want a divorce. Wow. I have never typed, written, or said that. i have not been able to be myself for almost 14 years. it is not his fault. it is mine. *I* am to blame. that is why *I* must right the situation.

and there is no "RIGHT" as far as i can tell..... i want to be happy. i want to feel whole. i want to be home. it is not where i am.