Pondering.

How?

How can the very thing that you hate about someone be the same thing that draws you into that head-over-heels madness???

Will this be the way it is forever? My trust issues are out-of-control. But I don't wanna play the role of his fool all over again.

Ain't nobody got time fa dat.

Xanax. And Apple Pie vodka. Stat. ;)

Bitter tears burn my face.

This child. The one I held for the first time when she was about 3 months old. Fed and rocked her every two hours at night while she was still adjusting to life in the world. Changed her diapers. Fought her to take medicine when she was sick. Made sure homework and projects got done and AR books got read. Made her PBJ sammiches - cut "in triangles". Fixed hair for pictures. Dropped off. Picked up. Volunteered. Took to Dr and Dentist appts. Fixed boo-boos. Played toothfairy and Santa for.

She graduated high school on Sunday. And as the principal announced her name as honor student and parents were named....no mention of me. Surprised? No. Hurt? More than a heart should. But I suppose my one decision wiped away all of the rest of the years in their minds. 15 years - gone. I sat there, the enemy, in a gym filled to the brim of non-carers. Only 3 of us existed. The girl. Her father. Myself. I blinked and breathed. And tried to fight the urge to create a scene by stomping out right then. I took a few more pictures and acted proud and happy. But I was dying. The ceremony ended and I high-tailed it outta there. Bawling as soon as I hit the fresh air. And I didn't stop. I drove to the hall where my other daughter said the party was (I wasn't invited) and dropped her gift off in the foyer. Noone was there (Thank God) since the ceremony had literally just ended. The irony in all this is that part of her gift was a heart necklace that said daughter.

She will be 18 in a week or so. I wonder if she is expecting a gift.....and if she will finally start thinking for herself? My most haunting thought is "what if?" What if I MADE things different? What if he did? Mind you, this child did not ever really LIKE me. She knew that I was not her biological Mom from very early on (thanks to her close-to-psychotic grandmother). And she reminded me often. She did not want me there. Then when I left, she didn't want that either. I am the adult. The weight rested on my shoulders to figure out how to make it work. I tried. I did. Ya know who didn't try? ANYONE else. Not her or the adults around her. Not a single one of them probably even thought of how hurtful it is that they left me out. Not a single one of them knows how she will text me and have normal conversations and then not speak to me again for two months. None of them know how I really feel. And, frankly, they don't give a shit. This does make me more aware of who the people I called family are. People that are closed-minded, small people. Stuck in their own world. Willing to look past what they know to be true because they love holding a grudge more than being happy. Good for you. Let that poison eat you.

I may cry each day for the next month, but eventually time will ease the sting of this slap. Whether she decides to accept me for who I am or not, I will go on living. The sun rises. The sun sets.

And my heart beats.....

clicking

I wonder if most ppl know about this. If I was just an unfortunate soul. Or if I am super lucky to know this feeling that not many do. He stopped in the middle of chores to point out how perfect we are. Because of a 90's R & B song. But the truth is this: I already realized how perfect we are. Him coming over to me was just icing. I wish all ppl could have this. :)

So many days have passed....

I have no idea where to begin. Feeling the monumental change in my life and decided to search for this old blog again. Wow. To read words that I had forgotten I wrote is......shocking? over-whelming? astonishing? mind-boggling?

A few days after that last post everything changed. Slowly, life started rotating and has not stopped it's circular motion since. Though, it arguably started changing by leaps and bounds in April 2008. I am stable. I am happy. Most days. Haha. I have moved away from Hell and back to my true HOME. I have just landed a wonderful job and look forward to beginning my new (and, might I add, final!) employment chapter. I live with my soulmate. The indecisive, unattainable, bubble-boy. Mr. Emotional Constipation himself.

I think that things will keep progressing for us. He longs for a wife and babies. I must admit that I long for the "Mrs." title with his surname following. And babies. HIS babies. God, how things have changed..... In my old life, my control-freak marriage and main role as mom, I lost me. And there was absolutely NO hope of bringing my true self back to the surface. I had drown. 20 times, at least.

After 17 years of being at the bottom of the pond, I feel saved. Not without struggle. Not without pain. And maybe some divine intervention. Thanks, Mom......I miss you!

Struggling.

It's been 17 days since I've "talked" to him. It feels more like a year. Of course, that was always true - even when only hours had passed. I'm still a mess. I still miss him TERRIBLY. Even though he hurt me. Bad. It's been super hard to not contact him today. He sent the last message. It's not enough. There was no apology, no real emotion. It was in the form of an email. His words were meant to be nice, but they just stung instead. I've begged him for something more. Something real. Any little morsel of hope. He can't give it. Because he's incapable of moving outside that bubble he's built up? Or just incapable of giving it to ME?? Still so many questions. But the answers just aren't gonna come, are they?

Running....but can't escape this predator. It won't tire. Won't quit. It gets far too close. Breathes down my neck. I shiver. I cry. I pray for a place to hide from it. Suddenly, it backs down enough for me to exhale. Inhale. Sleep.

Then it begins again....

I scream. I curse. I threaten. It's not phased. Still right on my heels. I stumble. It pounces. Gets under my skin. Seeps into my system and takes over my entire being. I have no choice but to let it. Stop fighting. Give in. Ride out the storm.

I am weak. You win another round. When will this end?

Weirdness is....

....watching your children live without you.
....eating as a family for a father and mother's week-apart birthdays when your family is broken.
....realizing you totally just ate a year-old, horrible-tasting banana split dum-dum bc you are starving for something sweet on this shitty cabbage soup diet.
....figuring out that you can live without personal possessions; ie: a nativity set
....wanting to throw up bc of a situation you cannot change
....having a size 4 shoe. at 2 days shy of 34.
....sleeping on the couch (which is really a love seat)
....reading your 14-yr-old's library book. don't hate.
....wondering where the next year in your life will take you - when you know that life will never be the same. tho there is a whole new world out there. waiting to be discovered.

and the biggest
....not getting the goodnight texts that you have become accustomed to getting :(

i love quotes...

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” ~ Andre Gide

I'm feeling blah. My baby girl has a birthday this week. I will most likely not get to see her that day. I dislike this. Also a major damn *dislike*: the holidays are near. uuuggghhh!!!

I have been told that I can have a new beginning. Tryin to keep that in mind. Some days I feel like I'm living my new beginning :). Some days I feel like I can't possibly have a new beginning until I get away from this town :(.

I know I have taken the biggest step in making my life happier. Draggin my feet to get up the next rung on the ladder. I am hoping that once the big "D" is final I'll be able to reach down and pull my broken legs up...